I Haven’t Hurt Anyone Yet but I’m Holding it in Reserve

I received my annual review yesterday and it totally reinforced my need to get out of here, change jobs, pursue my passion, yada yada yada.

I know that statement implies my review sucked.  It didn’t.  It was a great review.  I’m a great employee.  I’m respected by the client and the staff.  I’m efficient.  I do my job very well.  And so on.  But tripping hand in hand with all those nice compliments were little back-handed statements, like:

  • There’s no way we could do without you :: There’s a big project starting in LA.
  • We don’t want you to leave us because you’re an asset :: If your home company presents you with an opportunity to move up the food chain, you should consider it.
  • We know you want growth in your career :: There is no opportunity for growth, for you, here.

Let’s not forget that I work in the male-dominated construction management industry.  If you’re not an engineer, forget about it.  Shit, as a female, even if you ARE an engineer, forget about it.  I work with a bunch of chauvinistic, ego-centric, men who wouldn’t know a valuable employee capable of exceeding all expectations if she bit them in the ass.  And I am fully aware that particular nugget is a big reason I want out of here.

I haven’t hurt anyone yet, but I’m holding it in reserve.

I haven't hurt anyone yet, but I'm holding it in reserve

I spent a good 30 minutes with my boss while he blew smoke up my ass and I responded in kind: “I love working here.”  You’re a great boss.”  You get the drift.  A friggin’ mutual admiration session.  The whole time, all I could think was the exercise was a complete waste of time.  When he said, flat-out, that there was no room for advancement for me on this project, I wanted to say (sarcastic voice) “No kidding!  Really?  Gee, I never considered that.”

What?  Does he think I’m stupid?  The writing on the wall has been neon, day-glo orange from day one.

I realize I shouldn’t be whining when I’m employed in a well-paying position in the midst of this horrible economy, but the reality of the world doesn’t stop me from wanting to do something to change my situation.  And that will take thought and major effort on my part.  However, I believe the universe is on my side in this.  In the grocery store check-out line last night, while I was getting more and more steamed about the two-faced review, I noticed the big headline on the cover of the November issue of O Magazine

“What’s Your True Calling?”

How’s that for neon, day-glo orange writing?

© Hilary Clark and “Pining for Poetry & Prose: Pursuing My Passion”